The Power of “Connect and Redirect”
Parenting is filled with moments where emotions run high—both for children and adults. Whether it’s a toddler in the midst of a meltdown or a teenager shutting their door in frustration, navigating these moments can feel overwhelming. Fortunately, Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, renowned experts in child development and authors of The Whole-Brain Child, offer a practical strategy called “Connect and Redirect.” This approach combines empathy with guidance, helping children process their emotions while learning healthier behaviors.
What is "Connect and Redirect"?
At its core, "Connect and Redirect" is about meeting your child where they are emotionally before guiding them toward appropriate behavior. It’s a strategy rooted in neuroscience, leveraging the connection between the "downstairs brain" (responsible for emotions and instincts) and the "upstairs brain" (responsible for reasoning and problem-solving).
When children are overwhelmed, their "downstairs brain" takes over, making them reactive and emotional. In these moments, trying to reason with them or enforce discipline without connection often backfires. As Siegel and Bryson explain, "When a child is upset, logic doesn’t work—connection does." By connecting first, you help soothe their emotional brain, paving the way for their logical brain to engage.
I’ve created a helpful handout that illustrates these concepts. It’s perfect to post on your refrigerator as a reminder!
The Two Steps of "Connect and Redirect"
Step 1: Connect
Connection means validating your child’s feelings in a way that helps them feel understood and safe. It’s not about agreeing with their behavior; it’s about showing empathy for their emotional experience.
Why It Matters: Research in neuroscience shows that when children feel emotionally attuned, their brains move out of a reactive state and into one that is more open to learning and problem-solving.
How to Connect: Use soothing words, a calm tone, and non-verbal cues like eye contact and gentle touch. Acknowledge their feelings without dismissing or minimizing them.
Example:
Your child is upset because they must stop playing to eat dinner. Instead of saying, “Stop whining, it’s just dinner,” try:
“I see you’re really upset because you wanted to keep playing. That must feel so frustrating!”
Step 2: Redirect
Once your child feels seen and heard, they’re more likely to calm down and engage their "upstairs brain." This is when you guide them toward healthier behaviors or solutions.
Why It Matters: As Siegel and Bryson highlight, discipline is most effective when it teaches. Redirecting isn’t about punishment; it’s about helping children learn better ways to handle their emotions and situations.
How to Redirect: Use logical consequences, problem-solving, or offering alternatives. The key is to maintain a calm and supportive tone while setting clear boundaries.
Example:
After validating your child’s feelings, redirect them:
“I know it’s hard to stop playing, but dinner is ready now. Let’s set a timer next time so you know when playtime is ending.”
Validating Emotions Without Reinforcing Negative Behavior
One of the biggest challenges for parents is how to validate emotions without unintentionally encouraging negative behaviors. Here’s how you can strike the balance:
Validate the Emotion:
Recognize and name the feeling your child is experiencing.
Example: “You’re feeling really mad right now because your toy broke. That’s understandable.”
Set Limits on Behavior:
While feelings are always valid, certain behaviors—like hitting, yelling, or throwing—are not.
Example: “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to throw things. Let’s talk about what we can do instead.”
Teach Alternative Behaviors:
Help your child discover healthier ways to express their emotions.
Example: “When you’re angry, try using your words to tell me how you feel, or we can take deep breaths together.”
Backed by Science: Why It Works
Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bryson emphasize that this approach aligns with how the brain develops. The "downstairs brain" is reactive, while the "upstairs brain" requires practice to regulate emotions, think critically, and make decisions. By connecting first, you calm the emotional storm in the downstairs brain, creating space for the upstairs brain to engage.
In their book The Whole-Brain Child, Siegel and Bryson write, “When a child feels connected to us, they are more likely to learn the lessons we want to teach them.” Connection isn’t permissiveness; it’s the foundation for meaningful discipline and emotional growth.
Practical Tips for Using "Connect and Redirect"
Pause Before Responding: Take a deep breath to regulate your own emotions. Modeling calm behavior teaches your child how to self-regulate.
Use Reflective Listening: Repeat back what your child is feeling to show understanding.
Example: “You’re sad because your friend didn’t share with you. That can feel really unfair.”
Be Consistent: The more you use this approach, the more your child will internalize the connection between emotions and behavior.
Reinforce Positive Behavior: When your child uses a coping tool or redirects their behavior, acknowledge and praise their effort.
The “Connect and Redirect” strategy is a compassionate and effective way to help your child navigate their emotions while teaching them healthier ways to respond to challenges. As parents, it’s important to remember that connection is not a reward for bad behavior—it’s a necessary step in guiding our children toward emotional regulation and growth.
By validating their emotions and redirecting their behavior, you’re not just addressing the moment—you’re equipping your child with lifelong skills for managing emotions and relationships.
For more insights, explore The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, a valuable resource for any parent navigating the complexities of raising emotionally resilient children.